My theory of friendship (and other relationships)

Mar 08, 2024

I’ve been working on a theory of how friendships develop and are maintained. I’ve spoken about this earlier in the year on my podcast but after sharing it in real life with some people, I have refined it a bit more since then.

In the podcast, I talked about 4 pillars on which friendship is established: repeated exposure, shared experiences/values/interests, vulnerability, and commitment. But after some more thinking, I don’t believe that repeated exposure is a pillar necessarily. It’s more like a constant across all kinds of relationships.

This is not a scientific theory that has been tested and replicated or whatever. Aristotle didn’t have to do all that and neither do I 🫠.

This is based on my observation and (lived and vicarious) experiences and what I think make different kinds of relationships come up and move within and between circles. It is also inspired by Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love.

The relationship pillars

Shared experiences, values or interests

Shared experiences can be forced (e.g. going to the same primary or secondary school/classes with someone, mandatory offsite with your team).

Shared experiences from interests can be chosen (e.g. the gym you go to, the kinds of sports you play, the church you attend, the online communities you are active on, the social media platforms you choose to spend time on etc).

Shared values is the part that can be difficult to put a pin on because you only realise the shared values after repeatedly conversing with or observing the other person, whether online or offline.

Vulnerability

Relationships usually require some kind of vulnerability. The depth of it might differ, and the areas of your life that you share vulnerably might look different but there is some kind of vulnerable exchange.

Commitment

This can be an implicit or explicit agreement for a short or long period of time. There is an expected outcome, people usually have roles to play and depending on the other dimensions, the outcomes and roles may or may not be clearly defined.

These 3 circles, with repeated exposure running constantly, make up the basis of the next part of the theory, which is concentric circles.

The concentric circles

Tier 2 is kind of hard to define because though they're not your closest friends in the world, they're also not just friends of friends you don’t really have a close relationship with.

In Tier 3, it’s not just people from gym/work but people from gym or work that you actually talk to and actively engage with. You “work bestie” for example would start in Tier 3/4 but gradually move up to Tier 1/Tier 2 depending on the depth of vulnerability and shared values/interests.

The people outside the concentric circles may be people you want to become friends with.

Example real life scenarios

Based on different events, the balance of exposure, commitment, vulnerability and shared values, people can move up and down between the circles.

The balance of the 4 pillars of relationships defines the purpose of the “friendships”. So a flatmate could be tier 3 or could be tier 1 depending on the level of vulnerability and sharing that comes up as you navigate a shared space.

People in your church that you know but don’t really talk to beyond hey, hello would fall just outside the concentric circles (tier 4, or weak ties). But people in your cell group or home fellowship might be anywhere from tier 1 to tier 3 depending on the level of closeness you have with each individual person. People that you know something about their lives and they know something about yours could be tier 3, while people that you would be able to call crying about an issue could be tier 1 or 2 depending on what the issue is.

If you move to a new country at about the same time as someone else who was in your tier 3 or 4, or even outside of your concentric circles, the chances of that person moving up to tier 1 or 2—especially if you have shared values and interests—are quite high. Because you’re experiencing a new thing together and there is some form of connection already.

Again, this is not a definitive scientific theory, just how I’m currently thinking about how relationships are formed online and offline, across different spheres.

I’d like to know what you think.

A Couple of Things by Lade Tawak

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