You’re not the best judge of yourself
You need someone else to rate and assess your abilities
I’ve been writing a lot about goals recently because of the Goal Achievement Accelerator but I want to talk about something different today. Which is about self judgment/perception and seeking outside feedback
If you’re unfamiliar, the Johari window is a tool to aid self awareness and relational awareness. It helps you identify and understand the differences between how people see you and how you perceive yourself.
In a previous newsletter, I said
There are things about you that other people know that you don’t (Blind Area). There are things that you know and others know about you (Open Area). There are things that you know about you that others don’t (Hidden Area). And there are things about you that you don’t know and other people don’t know (Unknown Area). I’ve talked before about that last part, that you haven’t discovered all there is to know about yourself.
The main reason why I find this tool useful is for the blind area. There are things that you do well that you are not aware of and things you don’t do well that you think you are actually great at. The danger with the first is that your confidence is low in an area where it should be higher and where, depending on the context, you could be profiting from your expertise if you knew you had it and were sure of it. The danger with the latter is that you could be walking around feeling like you’re amazing when the people who are assessors of the work think it’s really bad, you damage your reputation and your brand in that area.
While I learnt this from my swimming classes—not particularly high stakes from a career and brand point of view—it is applicable to other contexts.
In my swim class, I often feel like I’m not progressing or not doing well enough. But after doing a “lap” or two, the instructor commends me that I’m doing better, my movement in the water is improving, and I have learnt the skill correctly. I’m always shocked when this happens but what it does for me is that it improves my confidence and allows me to “sit up straight” when I swim. Which really does wonders for swimming correctly.
The other side of this is in my bread making, I spend some time every week making bread and once I thought I had mastered the final shaping. I was very confident about it, to the point where I was using only one hand to do it. But then I got corrected. I wasn’t doing it properly—at least not as well as I thought I was. I took the feedback and learnt how to do it better.
This is why you need feedback. As the title says, you’re not always the best assessor of your abilities. Sometimes you underestimate yourself and sometimes you overestimate yourself. Seeking feedback brings your blind spots forward—whether it is a lack of confidence, low self esteem, a skill you didn’t know you had, an area you need to improve on—and then you can take steps to improve.
How do you know who to seek feedback from
It will always depend on the context but they should be, as DDK puts it, credible assessors. A credible assessor is someone with expertise and proximity and someone you trust (especially in personal relationships).
Expertise
They are an expert in what you’re seeking feedback on. And they have seen you do the thing you’re seeking feedback on. For example: my swimming teacher on my swimming skills. Other examples could be a coach you’re working with on something, a teacher/lecturer etc
Proximity
They work with you in a context where they see your work. For example, your manager, the people you manage, your peers at work etc. A manager could think they don’t micromanage, but they’re actually micromanaging the team.
Trust/Honesty
You trust their judgement: this one is tricky because you could resist their feedback out of pride or fear (especially in work or personal relationships) but it is important that you trust the judgement of the person you’re asking for feedback.
This could also apply in personal relationships. Ask your friends, partner, siblings, parents for feedback about how you are as a friend/partner/sibling/child etc.
How to ask for feedback
Sometimes the feedback will be offered without you asking which is nice when it happens. Listen and reflect on whether this person is a credible assessor. If they are, take the feedback and work on improving. If they’re not, discard the feedback. But what if the feedback doesn’t come proactively? Well, you have to ask. So how do you ask?
Narrow it down to a specific area, skill or behaviour. For example, if you think you’re not argumentative, ask the people closest to you. You can also use this to track whether you’re doing better. “Am I more or less argumentative than I was 6 months ago? Or there’s no difference”
You can also ask generally like: what could I be doing better? What’s something I do that annoys you or you think might rub others the wrong way? When have you seen me at my best? When have you seen me at my worst? What do you think I’m good at etc etc
Don’t get stuck in a rut, whether from over confidence or underconfidence. Seek feedback and get a fuller picture of your skills and abilities.
Intersting Links
How I got into grad school: A testimony of divine timing and God’s faithfulness (from my new newsletter: Faith Notes)